October 5, 2014

Angry yesterday and frustrated with Thaddeus been thinking I had to get this out on my morning pages since last night, looking forward to spewing a bit this morning for surprisingly longer than I would have thought after only one day of doing this, but it was a thought.  He seemed irrationally mad at me for stupid things...not apologizing for being wrong about the overseas credit card charge, for instance.  Fucking baby.  Then I broke the glass and it just seemed to break something inside me as well.  The way my hand knew that it was going to fall and the irreperable mini-explosion the glass made seemed to damage me in some way, or at least make me realize I was damaged.  Not sure what I felt exactly, but defeated is pretty close.  Not sure how I'm going to create 10 minutes of typing each morning when I seemingly get the opportunity to talk about myself in meetings, and usually don't that much.  I'll talk more about my philosophies than I will about my feelings.  I fear when I get down to my real feeling it will require me to do something concrete, like leave Thaddeus and so I avoid feeling those feelings in lieu of going down what seems like a hole I don't want to go down. Seeing Aunt Dorothy this past week reminded me how quickly life goes by, like I needed another reminder of this.  The character in Wind Up Bird Chronicles is sometimes how I feel...actually many of the characters seem so detached and unfeeling.  Not sure if it's what I care to feel or how I actually feel sometimes.  Have felt triggered and piqued sexually lately and selfish about it...not wanting to share it with Thaddeus, as if I'm resenting him and withholding from him.  Wanting him to struggle with his quitting of smoking but also wishing he'd get past it without all the whining.  In a complete non-sequitor, I'm also feeling quite smug at how I feel I'm progressing in a self-realizing way.  Despite not having done self-Breema once since I last saw Matthew, I feel as if I can bring a pall of Dharma to meetings whenever I want to and my intense ability to be present and listen to peoples' shares is better than others.  Need to look at how I can truly achieve some level of serenity and not just lay claim to it with little evidence.