October 5, 2014

Angry yesterday and frustrated with Thaddeus been thinking I had to get this out on my morning pages since last night, looking forward to spewing a bit this morning for surprisingly longer than I would have thought after only one day of doing this, but it was a thought.  He seemed irrationally mad at me for stupid things...not apologizing for being wrong about the overseas credit card charge, for instance.  Fucking baby.  Then I broke the glass and it just seemed to break something inside me as well.  The way my hand knew that it was going to fall and the irreperable mini-explosion the glass made seemed to damage me in some way, or at least make me realize I was damaged.  Not sure what I felt exactly, but defeated is pretty close.  Not sure how I'm going to create 10 minutes of typing each morning when I seemingly get the opportunity to talk about myself in meetings, and usually don't that much.  I'll talk more about my philosophies than I will about my feelings.  I fear when I get down to my real feeling it will require me to do something concrete, like leave Thaddeus and so I avoid feeling those feelings in lieu of going down what seems like a hole I don't want to go down. Seeing Aunt Dorothy this past week reminded me how quickly life goes by, like I needed another reminder of this.  The character in Wind Up Bird Chronicles is sometimes how I feel...actually many of the characters seem so detached and unfeeling.  Not sure if it's what I care to feel or how I actually feel sometimes.  Have felt triggered and piqued sexually lately and selfish about it...not wanting to share it with Thaddeus, as if I'm resenting him and withholding from him.  Wanting him to struggle with his quitting of smoking but also wishing he'd get past it without all the whining.  In a complete non-sequitor, I'm also feeling quite smug at how I feel I'm progressing in a self-realizing way.  Despite not having done self-Breema once since I last saw Matthew, I feel as if I can bring a pall of Dharma to meetings whenever I want to and my intense ability to be present and listen to peoples' shares is better than others.  Need to look at how I can truly achieve some level of serenity and not just lay claim to it with little evidence.

Initial Idea Morning Pages

Just briefly read an article that writing three pages of "stream of consciousness" words every morning can help.  Didn't finish the article to find out what help was available but I figured I could start something as a blog likely no one will read and that I can just spew out what's on my mind.  I'm sure it will be chock full of typos and that if I had read further in the article I would have come to find out typing isn't the same thing as writing but I still liked the idea of getting to express myself in anyway I cared to and not have to worry about offending anyone or writing shit people don't care about.  I've opted not to use paragraph settings, just blocks of text I will most likely never go back to.  And since it's not really possible to limit myself to three pages of written text, I figured I would do this for ten minutes each morning and decide on whether it was making any difference in my level of clarity or my emotional well-being. Early this morning around 4:00 I was woken by my husband's getting up to pee and I had trouble getting back to sleep.  I had titillated myself prior to going to bed by thinking I'd sneak in a jerk-off while he slept, but convinced myself not to do that.  Plus I was thinking about the configuration changes I needed to do for the BN008 stuff and how dumped on I felt by how Jen had not only thrown this one over the wall, but then went on in great detail in an e-mail how I had to do the emplid overrides as well.  She's a cunt and that anger kept me up for about 30 minutes.  I returned the favor to my Thaddeus by getting up to pee and the cat followed me back into bed, playing and cleaning himself next to Thaddeus for the next little while, but I did shortly thereafter get back to sleep.  I was using self-Breema techniques and they alway seem to help.  I did wake up to Thaddeus cruising porn videos on his computer.  With the rain and the change in light, it was dark enough that I could see the reflection in the window of what he was doing on his computer.  I couldn't see it enough to know exactly what anyone was doing on-camera but I was pretty sure it was pornography and it got me hard imagining what he was watching.  It also made me think of the recent photo of Timmy I found on his computer the one with the curly hair...not pornographic this time, but clearly showing a longing he has for Timmy.  I'll be interested to see if he tries and pursues another hook up with him in the near future.  That all got me horny too thinking it might be inevitable that I'll jerk off to porn on my computer this morning and not be able to cum tomorrow when I blow Thaddeus as part of our Sunday sex routine. I also got myself horny thinking about the newcomer to the meeting last night, John, who I was able to charm somewhat by calling his sharing "poetic"...I think even Lisa was impressed or at least agreed with my assessment.  Pretty certain he'll be back, but depressives, you never know.  I also love looking at the bulge in Bryan's pants.  Always hangs to his left and while he's not in the best of shape, I think he'd be fun having sex with at least once.  Completely taboo to think about and even worse to actually do.  Anger at Aaron for his attention-seeking last night it was out of control, both in terms of mouthing the preamble aloud and breaking rules like mentioning cities and taking out his fucking cell phone.  It may be done unconsciously, but it still pisses me off.  I may have to have him killed.  His parents might be the only ones that miss him, not sure.